On Feb. 20, 2023, St. James, Ormond Beach, reached out to those grieving loss and those who minister to them with an event designed to offer comfort and hope. “Tending to Your Broken Heart When Someone You Love Has Died” brought a diverse crowd of more than 200, which included clergy, health industry leaders, compassionate caregivers, funeral home staff, social workers, doctors and bereaved community members from as far as Miami and Fort Lauderdale.
Dr. Alan Wolfelt, the guest speaker, a past recipient of the Association for Death Education Death Educator Award, operates two grief training centers in Arizona and Colorado. Recommended by many in the community, including those in hospice support, he had previously spoken in Volusia County.
The Rev. Marcia Allison, deacon and wife of the church’s rector, the Rev. Roy Allison, invited Wolfelt for the special one-day event with funding provided through the Northeast Deanery Training Grant, part of a $1 million Thriving in Ministry grant awarded to the diocese through the Lilly Endowment Inc.
“Dr. Wolfelt is an amazing compassionate-care support educator and author,” Deacon Marcia said. “He provided a great training, supporting a mixed group of both clergy and professionals from Advent Health and funeral homes as well as people who were in grief support.”
The room was set up for 175, but Deacon Marcia said an influx of attendees left the church scrambling to make more seating available, ultimately extending to the gymnasium. Five other churches joined through a livestream, although the technology did not allow for much interaction.
“That gave those churches the ability to have a group in their church,” she said. “My goal was that they watch it together, even though they couldn’t respond, but they had each other for support and encouragement.”
Wolfelt led the crowd through the essentials of grief and the difference in mourning the loss of someone who has died. Death is an unavoidable part of human life, but it doesn’t have to keep people from living well.
He taught about the journey through grief and the Mourner’s Six Reconciliation Needs:
- Acknowledging the reality of death.
- Embracing the pain of the loss.
- Remembering the person who died.
- Developing a new self-identity.
- Searching for meaning.
- Reconciling your grief.
Deacon Marcia reflected on the training in a summary after the event:
Grief is the constellation of thoughts and feelings we have when someone we love dies. Mourning is taking the grief we have on the inside and expressing it outside of ourselves. Making the choice not just to grieve, but to authentically mourn, provides us the courage to live through the pain of loss and be transformed by it. Encountering the reality of death brings us to understand that love is life. As I realize this person I have loved cannot come back, I am transformed by my grief. Just as love transforms us, so too does grief. Dr. Wolfelt presented us with the idea that instead of thinking how to get back to the “old normal,” perhaps we need to embrace how we are changed forever by the death of someone we loved. We are in a sense, reborn, new, forever changed.
The audience also learned about being susceptible to “griefbursts,” moments that bring the loss back to mind, prompted by a word, gesture or random memory. Wolfelt said these are draining but normal.
“They are proof that our grief always lives inside us, and when something touches that grief, it flares to life,” Deacon Marcia said. “Dr. Wolfelt taught us that while we can’t prevent griefbursts, we can learn to embrace them when they flare up, to simply stop and give our grief full attention until it softens.”
The church will continue its weekly grief support and “absolutely” look for more events such as this in the future to minister to those who are grieving, per Deacon Marcia.
“I would love to have Dr. Wolfelt back as well as do other types of educational speaking engagements,” she said.