Tough and Tender

When we read the Scriptures, we find many contrasts. One of these is what we might call the toughness of Paul in the face of opposition and adversity, and the tenderness of Jesus as he prays for his disciples in that prayer in the garden called the high priestly prayer. But it seems to me if the Holy Spirit is at work in us, he is doing both things.

Not Either/Or

You see, we have a tendency, on the one hand to want to be tough with everybody or to be dotingly tender with everyone. And in excess, neither looks a lot like Jesus. You see, tough and tender is really not an either/or; it’s a both/and. And because this is true, regardless of our particular personality that sends us one way or the other, we are driven to our knees. We must ask God to work in us his heart, allowing us to be tough when we are supposed to be tough and to be tender when we’re supposed to be tender.

And in any leadership capacity, both are necessary. It is only a work of God that we can be so tender that we are moved with compassion – which is loving action, not just sympathy – to really stand with those in need. To serve them well, to have that sense of when I’m sitting with someone, and they’re in a place of pain, I allow that pain in. I stand with them, knowing that it is the Holy Spirit who is working in me compassion and working in them that sense of “We’re in this one together.” And it’s Jesus in the midst of all that who actually allowed effective prayer and service to happen.

In other words, it’s close to impossible to maintain what we might call “professional distance” in those kinds of situations, and at same time, to ask the Holy Spirit to move through you into the life of another person. It’s like creating a barrier and then asking God to move beyond it.

And so there is a certain trust level when you choose to give yourself away as you work with people in need. You also have to be careful not to be so without boundaries that people take advantage of you in a way that impinges on your capacity to lead.

But Both/And

Both these qualities, being tough and being tender, are critically important for men and women who are called to lead. The two are equally important. And it takes discernment to be able to know with whom to be tough and with whom to be tender.

I know that my tendency is to be so work oriented that I forget. Even this morning – the irony was not lost on me – that after living in this Gospel reading this morning, thinking about what I should say, I meet with a particular priest for breakfast. And after about an hour, there’s a part of me thinking, “I need to get back to get ready for this.” But Jesus’ goal is always that we might be one even as he and the Father are one.

So none of us, in other words, can look at these Scriptures and say, “I wish she was more like that” or “I wish he’d get the picture.” Instead, we need God’s work to form in us the kind of heart and mind of Jesus that allows His Holy Spirit to express himself through us in a way that is, appropriately at times, both tough and tender – and to know the difference.

Only God. No wonder we begin the prayer, the collect, “Do not leave us comfortless!”

The more we look at what it is that we’re being called to do, the more it throws us on the need of God to do his work in us, a work we cannot do for ourselves. Even with the best of intentions, we’re redeemed sinners. That’s all we are.

To be faithful to the whole canon of Scripture, we must understand that both toughness and tenderness are essential. And the heart of a leader is a heart that is being shaped so the leader knows when to speak the truth in love, and how much truth and how much love. A heart that is being shaped so the leader has the ability to weep with those who weep and sit with them.

Because Jesus is present there.

How would others describe you: tough or tender? Ask God to help you grow in both ways. Share this blog and your response on Twitter. Please include my username, @revgregbrewer. 

(This post is an adaption of Bishop Brewer’s sermon on May 17, 2018, in the Bishop’s Oratory of the Diocesan Office, Orlando.)

Unless otherwise noted, Scripture quotations are from the New Revised Standard Version Bible, copyright © 1989 the Division of Christian Education of the National Council of the Churches of Christ in the United States of America. Used by permission. All rights reserved.